Friday, August 04, 2006

Dream Conclusion

Do you remember that dream question I wrote about in my May entry? If you're new you can go back and read it. I think it's somewhere around the 18th of May...anyway, I did come to a conclusion. An anonymous "Rusty" is the one that I think came pretty close as he/she said in the comments section:

"The fear of leaving things behind may not be the worst one, but for sure is the one more able to destroy our present – I mean making you unable to live it full force! The ability to live the present is probably the life itself, anyway, but a recurrent dream tie us to the past just because we want it, I think. In the end, it's always us: it can be scary to think we're not so different from 20 years ago, but it's always scary when you're TRULY in touch with youself, isn't it! hugs! Rusty"

I read that over and over. I thought about it a lot. Like three months worth of thinking. It's sort of hard to explain the whole thing without going into a huge autobiographical entry about my life, which could be boring and over dramatic. Then again I don't want to not complete the May entry, so I'll just try and keep it short.

I had one of those typical write-a-book-about-it childhoods...Mother dies in car crash when I was ten, alcoholic, separated father who works night shifts left with four children to care for on his own. He remarries twice to the wrong women, all within four years. I left home when I was sixteen and managed to finish high school and get a B.A. all on my own.

I had lived in Italy for a year after high school and then a year in college and I decided to go back there to work for a few years after I finished school. Everything had been so difficult up to that point that I just remembering thinking to myself - from now on life is just going to be grand! And it was for a while. I had a nice job and a boyfriend and I was young and living in Europe. But I never really thought that I would stay, I just wanted to play for a few years and then I'd go back home...
...and then my little brother died in a car crash and I just wanted to run away. I went back to Mill Valley for the funeral and we spread his ashes on top of Mt.Tamalpais and he was gone. I went back to Italy and picked up my plans to move to San Diego with my then boyfriend...but now I didn't want to go back. I just wanted to avoid reality for a bit and pretend that nothing ever happened. What happened was I fell apart. Before Billy's death I felt like I had already paid my karmic dues. As if all the bad things that were supposed to happen had been put into this little package that lasted until I was 21 and then after that I wouldn't have any more worries. Well, now I know that life doesn't exactly work that way, but it was a little more difficult for me to take when I was younger.
So the boyfriend moved to San Diego and I stayed at my job in Italy. It payed well and I liked it and I met another guy, and another...and all of the sudden I had a job in television, then modeling, and a few years went by and then a few more and then it gets to a point where it's more difficult to go back and start over again than stay where you are.

Twenty eight years have passed since I came to Italy. I've spent more time here than I have in the States. But there was never a moment when I ever said to myself "Okay, this is where I want to stay. This is my home."

Since I came upon this realization some of my attitude has changed.

More importantly, I've stopped having the dream.

1 comment:

Mojo said...

Thanks for sharing a part of your past. You are a super strong person to deal with two, tragic deaths of family members. That is very sad, I'm sorry.

I'm glad you were able to look deeply into your past and find some answers.